Two posts in one day! Gasp!
So, first of all, I'm not a feminist. Not according to the lights of Feminism with a capital F--which, by the way, is just as silly as talking about a monolithic Motherhood, feminists have as many divisions among themselves as any other entity--because, among other things, I think Christian marriage involves a hierarchy and that this hierarchy is good.
Nor, however, am I apparently a Biblical Woman a la the "Patriarchy" movement, because I don't think that hierarchy stems from inherent dumbness/incompetence/craziness/volatility in women. I think the husband-wife hierarchy gains significance precisely as much as it is voluntary--it doesn't make submission very important if there's nothing else I can do anyway, does it?
Those two things aside, I'd like to talk about housework. You'll see why I had to clarify my position in a minute; I think I'm going to make both sides mad.
You see, I've had a number of days since starting this mother-at-home-with-kids thing that can only be described as Bad. These are the days when the schoolwork, laundry, and dishes do not get done, and I don't feel like I accomplish anything else. There are also Good days--days when all of the above gets done, I look great, I've accomplished several errands, and I've even managed to work on the novel-in-progress. What's the difference between a Bad day and a Good day, apart from sheer luck?
Work. This mom-and-housewife gig is very. hard. work.
I understand that looking in from the outside it doesn't always seem that way. This is due, I think, both to an annoying paradox I've noted within feminism and some skewed perceptions in society and even among Evangelicals. First the paradox:
1. Paradox: Housework is backbreaking, mindless drudgery that any dummy can do.
This idea permeates the discourse about housekeeping--it is supposed to be physically onerous and mentally chaffing enough that it can make idiots out of respectable educated women, but at the same time it's supposed to be easy enough for the uneducated, the stupid, or the not-so-good-with-English. (I'm quoting, not defending.)
To me the effect of this paradox, which you'll see in everything from cleaning product ads to news articles is that when housework isn't easy and natural for me, I can feel bad--because I'm clearly a respectable, educated woman who shouldn't have to be doing this. But when housework is easy and natural for me, I don't get to feel good--because clearly, it's mindless work that any dummy can do.
Indeed, one can learn to vacuum in an afternoon. But even vacuuming properly makes a difference, and keeping an entire house and family running smoothly entails a bit more than vacuuming.
What does it entail? Skewed perception time!
2. As a side effect of not being home much, people view time spent at home as "downtime".
A working person comes home and can, if they choose, feel that they are off. (Please don't think that I believe working mothers do not come home and cook dinner and do housework. I know that they do. But there is something to be said for everyone being removed from--and so not messing up in that time--the house for 6-8 hours a day. Also, I used to be a working wife. I did nothing LIKE the amount of housework then that I do now--I simply couldn't.) Because of this, we tend to imagine that a stay-at-home mom works something less than an 8-hour day, with breaks and downtime similar to what working people take when they are off work. Accordingly they are either scornful of her or envious--who wouldn't want to live in a perpetual weekend, after all?
In reality, of course, a responsible stay-at-home partner (because there are some dads in this gig too) takes on the other half of the family's life that the working partner can't. Most stay-at-homes that I know are constantly run off their feet, and not because they are bowing to strange outside pressure. It simply takes that much work to put a functioning household together and keep it that way.
My Good days can be characterized, by me, as days when I manage to pull of all of my roles concurrently: I have a good homeschooling session with the kids, the house is clean with laundry done and put away, my administrative tasks (i.e., bill-paying and appointments) are done, I've got makeup on and look good for the Husband, I had my devotions, I get a delicious healthy dinner cooked, and the children are happy and feel like they've got my attention. The other commonality on these Good days is that I don't sit down.
3. The problem: we are unprepared to have housework be real work.
It comes as something of a shock for most women, I think, when they become stay-at-home moms that they aren't better at it, effortlessly. And when they find that it is hard work that requires real physical exertion and mental creativity, points 1 and 2 come into play. Even if they happen to be married to someone as awesome as the Husband (he is a rare find) who believes them when they say that housework and childcare are hard, they are continually confronted by a society that does not.
This all affects a SAHM's daily life. Even the most grueling of paid jobs end at some point--"Deadliest Catch" fishermen get to go home and so do surgeons. For a SAHM, however, this work must be engaged in every. single. day if she is to have a home that is functioning at its peak, and there is no time off even at night. Is it incredibly fulfilling and good to be engaged in this work? Of course. Is it the best thing for my family? You bet. Is it hard? Is the sky blue?
In an attempt to be encouraging SAHMs sometimes minimize what we do, or attribute it to gender differences, but women are not naturally more nurturing and caring than men. Being nurturing and caring requires a choice and work--I do not, naturally, want to comfort a screaming sick child more than I want to wipe the puke out of my hair. Likewise we are not naturally more concerned with architecture, aesthetics, nutrition, sanitation, education, discipline, or gardening than men--those are all choices, and work. I do not, naturally, want to clean up dried milk spots more than I want to sit and read a novel.
So, fine. Nice rant. What are we supposed to do about it?
4. If you're a SAHM, admit that what you do is real work, and then do it. Or not.
I told you I have Good days and Bad days, at least in part because I don't think that any human can work at full-tilt at all times. Part of the solution to discouragement is admitting that you're not being stymied by a simple task, but that neither is the task somehow mysterious and impossible. It's just very hard work. Start doing it.
Or don't--one cannot take a day off from mothering, of course, but it's quite feasible with a little advance planning to take a day off from housework. Once you have your house running the way you like it, it's perfectly possible to have a day where you do the most minimal chores: keeping the dirty clothes in the hamper and the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, and requiring the children to pick up their toys. Ordering pizza, or taking one out of the freezer that you made in advance. If you can allow yourself to enjoy this day, neither worrying about all the work you're letting slide ("I could be vacuuming the closets!") nor feeling resentful that you aren't getting more rest ("I can't believe I have to put dishes in the dishwasher on my day off!"), it can be very helpful.
Finally, we can stop worrying about how other women see us. The disgust with the "mommy wars" is getting to be as trite as the mommy wars themselves. Frankly it doesn't really matter to me whether an executive thinks I have a cushy life or not--she could choose to have such a life, if it was more important to her than being an executive. I don't question her priorities: she's allowed to be an executive. I don't allow her to question my priorities: I'm allowed to be a mom at home with my kids. I don't see why it needs to be a Thing.
Now I'm off to catch up on the work I ignored to write this article.
Cheers,
Breanna
