I mean, as C.S. Lewis points out, if faith is believing it doesn't seem like it would be a virtue. It doesn't seem like it would be voluntary, in fact. If something is proved, it's proved. If it's proved, you believe it. If not, you don't.
But he goes on to say that this assumes that humans only stop believing because of insufficient evidence, or because of new evidence becoming available. In other words, it assumes that we believe and disbelieve things based on rational proof.
And of course, we don't.
For instance, we all have days where we are depressed. Sometimes this has a physical cause--like lack of sleep or hunger--and sometimes we've just had depressing circumstances happen to us. Usually I start by losing faith in myself and then in the Husband. The mental script goes like this:
You're a bad mom. You're letting your kids eat dry Lucky Charms and juice for breakfast while they watch their fourth cartoon. And you're still in your pajamas.
I should kill it right there. I know I'm not a bad mom. Maybe I'm not the world's best, but I'm not a bad mom. But usually the script is subtle, so I combat it feebly at best.
Meh, I'll just read this one more thing online and then I'll get them some fruit. I've screwed up my good mom morning opportunity, might as well take a little break, since I won't have any peace if I shut the cartoon off now.
Pretty soon my depressed thinking is being used by the Adversary for overt temptation:
You noticed, didn't you, that the Husband went off to play computer games as soon as you got up? (Note: not true. He might be playing computer games, but he greeted me quite kindly. Should be my next red flag, when my thoughts are lies, that this is not all me.) He's not acting very loving. (Note: also not true.) And can you blame him? You're still in your pajamas.
Quickly, if I don't stop it with some pretty harsh language and immediately flee to prayer, the temptation moves from doubting myself and my spouse to doubting the Lord Himself:
Why can't the Lord arrange things so that your kids sleep more? Or maybe He's trying to tell you you're not very good at this writing/mom/wife/whatever thing and that you should give up. And yes, reading your Bible will be too difficult to accomplish this morning. Look how distracted you are already.
Hear it?
The opposite of Faith is Doubt, and here's the thing about Doubt: it's a lie.
We like to confuse skepticism and the scientific tradition with Doubt, but Doubt is not rational. Doubt is when we question something we already know to be true because of emotion or circumstance, not because of proof. Doubt, I think, delights the devil because it's so painful--if you actually knew that what you feared was the case, well, you could do something about it. I.e., if the Husband announced "I am unhappy with you and so I am going away for an hour", I could say, "Why, dear?" And I would immediately feel much better, because I would have picked a direction.
(Yet another note: this is all hypothetical. The Husband doesn't pull stuff like that. Don't give him any dirty looks--I love him.)
Doubt is sheer wondering, clinging with each hand to different opinions, paralyzed in fear and indecision.
Faith is a virtue because Doubt is so easy. Doubt puts me in charge of the universe and makes my experience the ultimate arbiter of reality. Faith is hard, as hard as realizing that an optical illusion isn't real. It means persevering through agony, and--what is sometimes more difficult--through day after day after day after day of sheer irritation. It means repeating to yourself what you know is true: God is just. God is holy. God is love. He is not surprised by your no-good, very bad, terrible, not-such-a-great-mom day.
Faith does not mean belief without reason. It means refusing to make your own truth.
All of which is easy to say; obviously if I had a handle on consistently asking for more Faith and shutting down my temptations toward Doubt I wouldn't be writing this blog. But perhaps writing it down will help me recognize the slide downhill faster next time.
And those are my thoughts, as we get on toward Sunday.
Cheers,
Breanna
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