Back in the day there was a sit-com called Third Rock From the Sun where aliens were undercover as ordinary humans--a man, his sister, and a teenage boy. The alien who was the teenage boy was trying to describe to the woman what it was like inside a teenage boy's head. She didn't believe that it could really be THAT focused on girls, so in frustration the boy said "Gimme your mind. No, really, gimme your mind." The woman did, was evidently shown telepathically the way boys think, and withdrew in horror.
The point of that rather rambly thing (I didn't go looking for the clip...) is to say that male and female brains are different. Big surprise, eh?
This post is a little message to my male readers (all three or four of them), and is written believe it or not during a cool moment when the Husband hasn't done anything to irritate me. (Honest.) I thought I should probably help you boys out a little since you don't seem to deal with "De Hormonies", to quote My Big Fat Greek Wedding, in the same way we do. There seems to be a widespread impression that during certain seasons of hormonal upheaval, women get a little irrational.
In the interest of helping you boys help yourselves, I am just going to explain the female mind without laying any blame. It's not your fault. Also you will probably not believe me, any more that most women really believe it the first time they are told the way boys think. But here goes anyway.
See, it's not that De Hormonies make us less rational. It's that they make us less patient. Less understanding. Less willing to sacrifice our personal preferences for those of others. Less able to take crap without flinging some of it back. I mean physiologically less able. I'm not defending it, okay? Just stating facts.
So when you reason, "huh, she usually doesn't snap at me when I leave my wet coffee-spoon on the white counter and it dries and gets stuck down, she must be having crazy-making PMS" (just as an example, this hasn't really happened to me) then you may be sure that she is ALWAYS annoyed when you leave your wet coffee-spoon on the counter. Most of the time she sweetly does not get after you about it, because she loves you.
This should not inspire you to awe at the pettiness of women, by the way, but awe at their habitual restraint. Lots of things bother us. All the time. But we don't mention it when we have our normal self control. When De Hormonies come along and act as the equivalent of a couple of shots of Jack on our inhibitions, well, then you are hearing the truth about what bugs us deep down.
The other misconception I see is that women should be able, when someone points out "well, this that you're feeling is probably caused by De Hormonies" to then stop feeling that way. I have been in that exact situation while terribly pregnant. I have KNOWN that, non-pregnant, I could have handled the situation without resorting to singing very pointedly under my breath. Knowing didn't help. I still wasn't able to gain more control over my emotions than to just say, "PLEASE LET ME DO THE DISHES BY MYSELF. I NEED SOME TIME, AND IF YOU MAKE ME TALK I WILL SAY SOMETHING MEAN. GO."
Pointing out that I was hormonal in that moment would have ensured I would deliver the baby in prison.
Again, I'm not defending this. I don't use my hormones as an excuse to emotionally abuse people once a month, nor do I think that women shouldn't struggle against inappropriate emotions. But there's a reason alcoholics have sponsors--it really helps to have someone know that you're doing something hard and to kind of appreciate it. To work all day (I'm not exaggerating, it really does require a 24 hour struggle sometimes) to not be a jerk when your entire body chemistry is insisting, "go ahead, be a jerk, be a HUGE jerk, break something" is hard work. To have a man assume that it's something normal people ought to be able to do without too much struggle does not, to say the least, encourage us to work again next month.
(Perhaps the dudes will understand if they can picture being very angry over something, angry enough to throw a punch, and then having a woman step in front of them and inform them calmly that what they are feeling is only due to testosterone, and therefore they should calm down. How do you think that would work out?)
The good news in all of this is that you can earn yourself some crazy-big points by taking note of the tiny, insignificant stuff that irritates your ladies and avoiding it. We will notice, we will appreciate, and then what comes out when De Hormonies start raging is probably just a bunch of tears over a movie you find dreadfully dull. Your choice.
You probably have some tiny, insignificant stuff that she does that irritates you, right? Here's the last secret: we try really, really hard to please the men we love. Like, sometimes, things would probably run better if we didn't try. so. hard. You guys--let's face it, most of you are as subtle as lawnmowers--more or less let us know what bugs you. And we try, we really do, not to do it. Sometimes we forget, in the throes of doing things one-handed because of babies and groceries and whatnot; a brain that multitasks has its downsides, and we can't always control that, either. But to see you trying, in good faith, to help us overcome De Hormonies inspires us to try, in good faith, to screw the jar lids on straight.
And to refrain from pointing out that if you grab the jar by the middle it doesn't matter, anyway--and that men have hormonal fluctuations, too. Whatever. Let's all love one another.
Cheers,
Breanna
P.S.
I should reiterate, in case he reads this (5 male readers, then, if he suddenly gets the time to read it again...) the Husband isn't in any kind of trouble. He's an intensely emotional person himself and really kind of gets it when I explain that I'm trying very hard not to be a jerk. I also don't think any of the guys that I know regularly read this blog are in trouble--in other words, your wife did not ask me to write this. I am writing the post merely as a public service.
The point of that rather rambly thing (I didn't go looking for the clip...) is to say that male and female brains are different. Big surprise, eh?
This post is a little message to my male readers (all three or four of them), and is written believe it or not during a cool moment when the Husband hasn't done anything to irritate me. (Honest.) I thought I should probably help you boys out a little since you don't seem to deal with "De Hormonies", to quote My Big Fat Greek Wedding, in the same way we do. There seems to be a widespread impression that during certain seasons of hormonal upheaval, women get a little irrational.
In the interest of helping you boys help yourselves, I am just going to explain the female mind without laying any blame. It's not your fault. Also you will probably not believe me, any more that most women really believe it the first time they are told the way boys think. But here goes anyway.
See, it's not that De Hormonies make us less rational. It's that they make us less patient. Less understanding. Less willing to sacrifice our personal preferences for those of others. Less able to take crap without flinging some of it back. I mean physiologically less able. I'm not defending it, okay? Just stating facts.
So when you reason, "huh, she usually doesn't snap at me when I leave my wet coffee-spoon on the white counter and it dries and gets stuck down, she must be having crazy-making PMS" (just as an example, this hasn't really happened to me) then you may be sure that she is ALWAYS annoyed when you leave your wet coffee-spoon on the counter. Most of the time she sweetly does not get after you about it, because she loves you.
This should not inspire you to awe at the pettiness of women, by the way, but awe at their habitual restraint. Lots of things bother us. All the time. But we don't mention it when we have our normal self control. When De Hormonies come along and act as the equivalent of a couple of shots of Jack on our inhibitions, well, then you are hearing the truth about what bugs us deep down.
The other misconception I see is that women should be able, when someone points out "well, this that you're feeling is probably caused by De Hormonies" to then stop feeling that way. I have been in that exact situation while terribly pregnant. I have KNOWN that, non-pregnant, I could have handled the situation without resorting to singing very pointedly under my breath. Knowing didn't help. I still wasn't able to gain more control over my emotions than to just say, "PLEASE LET ME DO THE DISHES BY MYSELF. I NEED SOME TIME, AND IF YOU MAKE ME TALK I WILL SAY SOMETHING MEAN. GO."
Pointing out that I was hormonal in that moment would have ensured I would deliver the baby in prison.
Again, I'm not defending this. I don't use my hormones as an excuse to emotionally abuse people once a month, nor do I think that women shouldn't struggle against inappropriate emotions. But there's a reason alcoholics have sponsors--it really helps to have someone know that you're doing something hard and to kind of appreciate it. To work all day (I'm not exaggerating, it really does require a 24 hour struggle sometimes) to not be a jerk when your entire body chemistry is insisting, "go ahead, be a jerk, be a HUGE jerk, break something" is hard work. To have a man assume that it's something normal people ought to be able to do without too much struggle does not, to say the least, encourage us to work again next month.
(Perhaps the dudes will understand if they can picture being very angry over something, angry enough to throw a punch, and then having a woman step in front of them and inform them calmly that what they are feeling is only due to testosterone, and therefore they should calm down. How do you think that would work out?)
The good news in all of this is that you can earn yourself some crazy-big points by taking note of the tiny, insignificant stuff that irritates your ladies and avoiding it. We will notice, we will appreciate, and then what comes out when De Hormonies start raging is probably just a bunch of tears over a movie you find dreadfully dull. Your choice.
You probably have some tiny, insignificant stuff that she does that irritates you, right? Here's the last secret: we try really, really hard to please the men we love. Like, sometimes, things would probably run better if we didn't try. so. hard. You guys--let's face it, most of you are as subtle as lawnmowers--more or less let us know what bugs you. And we try, we really do, not to do it. Sometimes we forget, in the throes of doing things one-handed because of babies and groceries and whatnot; a brain that multitasks has its downsides, and we can't always control that, either. But to see you trying, in good faith, to help us overcome De Hormonies inspires us to try, in good faith, to screw the jar lids on straight.
And to refrain from pointing out that if you grab the jar by the middle it doesn't matter, anyway--and that men have hormonal fluctuations, too. Whatever. Let's all love one another.
Cheers,
Breanna
P.S.
I should reiterate, in case he reads this (5 male readers, then, if he suddenly gets the time to read it again...) the Husband isn't in any kind of trouble. He's an intensely emotional person himself and really kind of gets it when I explain that I'm trying very hard not to be a jerk. I also don't think any of the guys that I know regularly read this blog are in trouble--in other words, your wife did not ask me to write this. I am writing the post merely as a public service.
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